It’s that time of the year when newspaper columnists predict what’s in store for the next 12 months. Hopefully it will be an improvement on last year. We have just about scraped through the Year of the Rabbit but I haven’t got too much faith in what the Year of the Dragon has to offer. We cannot rule out another annus horribilis.
There will be no escaping the usual news of malfeasance, crackdowns and cock-ups accompanied by assorted fibs, half-truths, prevarications and officials suffering collective amnesia. There may even be people transferred to inactive posts. But whatever happens almost certainly we are in for another year of Amazing Thailand in all its amazingness. Just as long as nobody tickles the dragon’s tail. We don’t want it to be too lively.
So here are the forecasts for Thailand in 2024 — gleaned from the usual array of unreliable sources, babblers, boasters and bluffers.
January: A silly socks craze sweeps Thailand after a leading politician wears brightly coloured “odd socks” at a festive function. People throughout the kingdom are spotted wearing odd socks and silly socks sales soar. It sparks a revival of the popular 1960s catchphrase “Sock it to me!”. Not everyone is convinced however, some suggesting “pull your socks up” might be more appropriate.
February: To mark the Year of the Dragon, Thai tourist officials announce Puff the Magic Dragon as the official song for 2024 and a Miss Dragon Beauty Contest is organised. After it is pointed out ladies generally do not like being called “dragons” the authorities rename it Miss Cute Lizard contest. That doesn’t work either and Miss Jing-Jok also draws a blank. They settle for “Miss 2024.”
March: The song Sock It To Me! performed by the Khlong Toey Stray Dogs Choir soars to the top of the charts. A video which includes choreography featuring the Nakhon Nowhere Tap Dancing Buffalo Troupe wearing different coloured socks, includes another popular number Put A Sock In It.
April: Following complaints by grumpy, wet expats that the Songkran festival seems to be going on longer than ever authorities come up with the following useful advice: “At least pretend you are enjoying it even if you are not.” A fixed grin can be very helpful, but whacking someone around the ear after an untimely drenching is not recommended.
May: In a Cabinet reshuffle two new ministerial positions are announced. The Minister of Sweeping Things Under the Carpet will abide strictly to the motto: “Never Mind the Reality, It’s the Image That Counts.” The Minister of Magic is another new post. The main task will be to find a decent wand to ensure any problems disappear at the wave of a hand. It is proposed that Harry Potter be hired as an adviser along with the three-headed dog as an enforcer.
June: In a surprise development Thailand wins praise for its contribution to the preservation of the English language. Britain’s Apostrophe Protection Society applauds the Lotus supermarket chain for renaming itself “Lotus’s” by adding an apostrophe. In a time when apostrophes are being discarded around the world this is regarded as a bold initiative. Of course, everyone still calls it Lotus.
July: The 625 former influential persons who last year declared they had given up being influential change their minds and say they want to be influential again as it was not much fun not having any influence. “I even had to pay for a restaurant meal,” complains one disgruntled former influential person. A spokesman said that not being influential “felt like being transferred to an inactive post”. Speaking of which….
August: International organisations once again praise Thailand for its unique policy of transferring officials to inactive posts. It is regarded as a role model in solving unemployment problems. “Employing people to do nothing is a masterstroke,” comments a senior European official. Thailand immediately reveals plans to export inactive posts.
September: To mark Anti-Corruption Day it is reported that henceforth there will be no more crookery. No-one will be on the fiddle or at least seen to be on the fiddle. No shady deals or siphoning of funds. No oiling of the wheels. Anyone caught breaking these rules will be ordered to wear odd socks in public.
October: Gourmets from around the globe name the “Isan mixed grill” the international dish of the year. The repast, a tempting combination of fried grasshoppers, boiled moths and roasted beetles with a dessert of deep-fried chocolate ants eggs, stuns the judges. “I have never tasted anything quite like that before,” remarked one gastronome. To celebrate the award a Miss Grasshopper beauty pageant is held.
November: Forecasts of a snowstorm about to hit Bangkok turn out to be fake news. Undaunted, tourist authorities go ahead with cut-price skiing holidays and launch a Miss Snowflake beauty contest. As temperatures dip, Edith Clampton (Mrs) lashes city officials for not providing her with an electric blanket. She is not impressed when instead she is offered a supply of brightly coloured odd socks.
December: The government announces “All Problems Are Solved”…well, most of them…okay, some of them… alright then, none of them.
Anyway, here’s wishing everyone the best of luck for 2024. I have a sneaking feeling we are going to need as much good fortune as we can muster. Maybe wearing odd socks might help.
Contact PostScript via email at [email protected]
Bangkok Post columnist
A long time popular Bangkok Post columnist. In 1994 he won the Ayumongkol Literary Award. For many years he was Sports Editor at the Bangkok Post.
Email : [email protected]
